My current metaphor for the pain in my head is bears. Specifically angry bears. I have twelve of them. They represent numbers on the pain scale (yes, the one that is only supposed to ten. Trust me, I'm not exaggerating.), but they also are more dynamic than numbers because they can exhibit different moods. One angry bear is roughly equivalent to three bears quietly snuffling around or as many as five sleeping bears. On the few occasions I have had all twelve bears awake and angry simultaneously there has been a lot of very loud cried of pain, crying, and trying to scratch my own eyes out. whoo-hoo.
Anyway! I just spent eight days in the intensive care unit of my local hospital getting as much ketamine dripped into my body as is possible without getting into anesthesia territory. I got out last Wednesday and went in the previous Wednesday- sorry I didn't tell anyone, it was all kind of sudden and I didn't have time. Not to mention before I went in I was just plain in too much pain to go online. We managed to get the pain down to a 1. 1!!!! Actually I could argue I got it down to a 0, but in order to achieve 0 pain in my head I literally had to torture myself (create a pain of an 8-9 somewhere else in my body to overload my nervous system and get it to stop creating pain in my brain), and I'm not sure that counts. Gosh, why am I telling you all this? It will just make you all super worried and kind of depressed...
That picture is supposed to be me and the last bear. And all the other bears which had gone to sleep. That's pretty much what it felt like. That is probably the most accurate cartoon IV you will ever see! There were a lot more wires and tubes sticking out of me than that, but I simplified it for the picture. Let me share this important knowledge with you: the secret to hospital gowns is to wear pajama pants under them. And a comfortable bra (if you're a lady).
It looks like the treatment has healed some of the damage that has been compounding in my brain these last 5 1/2 years! (Yes, we're officially calling it brain damage now, which is validating if kinda disturbing.) Before the hospital the pain was ranging between 9 and 12, while since I've been out it's been more like 6-10. And hopefully once I've had some more time to recover it will be hanging out more at the 6 side and less at the 10 side! Right now though it's like the healed bits of brain are super tender and therefore hyper sensitive, so I'm taking things even more gently than usual.
So that said: I won't necessarily be posting anything for a while, or getting any patterning done. I might if I feel like it, but I have no idea what my brain will or will not feel like doing and I've realized that the best thing for me to do is follow its whims. I have over 900 DA messages, and I know that some of them are lovely comments and possibly important questions, and I will eventually get to all of them. But I'm not going to rush myself.
Know that the continued support of the internet means a lot to me and is a vital source of the strength that I am using to fight bears!